I began this piece trying to find a way to compare football to a relationship because it is just that. Every season I begin a love affair with a definite shelf life. I like to think of it as my Fall Fling. However, I discovered the stages of a relationship are far more arduous and contentious than my feelings about the NFL season.

Thus, I have devised my own stages, the stages of football fanaticism during the regular season.

Week 1-4: The Euphoric Stage

For the first four weeks of the season I am simply euphoric at the start of the weekend. I care not about going out and enjoying my Friday and Saturday night, but about passing the time with enough beer and deep-fried food money left over for a day of gluttony, sloth, and, hopefully, wrath, leading to pride and a healthy diet of Tums on Monday.

The typically Sunday will begin early with me unable to sleep. The television will be turned on upon leaving the bedroom and will immediately begin its rotation between Fox, NBC, and ESPN to devour every morsel of football news.

My laptop will be turned on by ten and I will check my fantasy starters to check for injuries and any other news that would cause me to change the lineup. I will then make coffee and wonder if it is really too early to begin drinking beer (it is, I am no longer in college and I am not tailgating in my living room).

After a couple hours of desperate anticipation football finally begins. It will remain on the television until the end of the Sunday night game. I am not to be disturbed during this time and will respond to any nagging no matter how high one is able to make their voice (nagging is defined as any talk about anything other than football).

Week 5-8: The Pleasant Stage

I am still in absolute love with the NFL and my Sunday ritual, but I am able to cut out excesses like watching the pregame show and eating quite so much devastatingly deep fried foods. I still watch every game and check my fantasy football score every five minutes.

At this point my defense against the nagging begins to weaken and I acknowledge my girlfriends existence seven days a week instead of the traditional six.

Week 9-10: The Manic Depressive Stage

At this point it has become clear whether my preferred NFL team is headed to the postseason or not. If my team has pretty much eliminated itself from serious competition then my attention will begin to waiver (and the women rejoice). I will insist on watching my team lose and then sulk for the rest of the day, keeping the rest of the games on but only paying half attention to them. I may even skip the Sunday night game if the teams playing are not that interesting.

If my team is still in the running for a playoff spot then my interest returns to the Euphoric Stage. The only difference is this time I am watching to scout the competition and not just for the joy of watching football or because I am invested fantasy wise.

Week 11-14: The Acceptance Stage or the Serial Killer Stage

If my team is no longer playoff bound, my wandering eye has returned to a Sunday schedule full of football to the ire of those non-football fans around me. I may not be able to look forward to the postseason, but I have adopted another team to hitch my wagon to and am reminded of the pure joy of obsessing over the NFL. If my team remains in the hunt, then my interest remains at an optimal level and I am now single.

At this point most fantasy leagues are in their final regular season weeks, so, if anything, my pointer finger is permanently attached to my mouse-less pad clicking refresh.

Week 15-16: Rapture

Have…to…watch…football…die…happy